say you've been friends with someone for many years. lets say seven. and a few years ago, you and he made the pact that if you were both single when you turned a certain age, you would marry each other cuz nobody else would ever fit. so you are still friends with this person and now you're getting close to that age and the other person has started bringing up the pact all the time. like he's like, " i only have a year and a half, i better get a real job" and "you better start hanging out with me more so you can get used to being around me for when we're married" and "dude--you're gonna be my WIFE" (said with huge grin, in public).

A. what does that all mean.

compounding factors: this guy also talks pretty often about how he's not ready to be in a relationship, sometimes sleeps w/ his female roommate, etc. the only other relationships he was in were all long term. so it seems like he has one of those deals where he has issues with, like, boundaries and stuff, and i don't want him to not respect me if it turned romantic.

also, i was once years ago so desperately in love with this dude that i did all this shit inlcuding climbing a 12-foot chain link fence topped with razor wire to impress him etc.--not saying that was cool, just saying that's how bad i had it for him. seriously way bad. and i remember like EVERY TIME WE HUNG OUT in detail and its kind of embarassing when he says "didnt we go to that venue?" and i'm like "yeah it was to see belle and sebastian you were driving the jeep it was 2001 and we listened to led zeppelin in the car on the way over and you were wearing a tan corduroy barn jacket."

so A, what is he all about. and then B, is, do i actually try to go out with this dude and risk the friendship, or do i let him make that move, or what? cuz what if he is waiting on me. cuz maybe i also talk about "oh, i don't want a man, thank GOD i'm single" blah blah all the time. is that confusing him? is that making him afraid to like me? are we all dancing in the dark? cuz i can't take many more of these conversations about the kids and pets we are going to have, topped off with sexually tense hugs and then nothing in all those years.

Question for the fellas. What the hell is up with the subset of boys who do everything within their power to woo, seduce, "achieve," attain, and "get" girls, only to (upon receipt of you, their prize) do a 180º-freakout of the "Whaddya meeeeeeaaaaan?? I'm not READY for anything HEAVY, i don't know where you got that idea from! What are you, a psyyyychhhooooooo????" I'm not talking about "players"--i mean those special guys who give every possible appearance that they are dating, courting, and falling in love with you and only you, saying such things along the way as:

"You are so special to me"
"How is it that nobody has married you yet?
"In four months i will be breaking down your door with a ring"
"Our time together has been so special... It's not just physical, no! I mean, i deeply enjoy being with you, but its more than that"
"You deserve the best. I love spending time with you"
"You are a light shining through my life"

...only to abruptly and seemingly randomly rescind everything and bail? This bailing is usually accompanied by either "oh by the way... i started seeing someone" (inside, you scream "yes, you have been seeing...ME") or by the guy suddenly going "...yeah...i'm not really into, like, having a GIRLFRIEND right now, or anything."

We fall into these boys a lot, it seems. Lots of boys desperately love the pantomime-pageant of sincere-ass wooing, only to flip the tables like a Chinese acrobat routine, with savage terror. "WHAT?! How'd you get THAT impression? Huh? Sorry I can't not-date you or whatever...but I do NOT want a girlfriend. When I said i loved you? Didn't mean i LOVED you. You're CRAZY." [runs away]

i think what we all want to know, as women, is: are we doing something wrong in these situations, or are these males just random anomalies of bad behavior/freakishness and it's not our problem??

i broke up with my boyfriend a couple months ago. he was so sad he said, dying without me. we got back together. he was so happy he said.

we've been seeing each other once or twice a week since.

this week, after a sunday night sleepover, i called him on tuesday night, got his voicemail as usual and said that i need to talk to him more than once or twice a week. he called me the next day and left a voicemail saying yes, i agree, we do.

then he didn't call again. i called and left another voicemail last night. then this morning i called to leave another voicemail and he picked up which is really unusual. i asked him to go see a movie tonight. oh, he said, i'm playing poker with the boys. and tomorrow also playing poker. but not too many guys are confirmed for that one, so maybe he can go see the movie with me then.

is it possible he doesn't see the contradiction in that behaviour?
do you see it?

signed,
ready to meet him expressly to dump his sorry ass (for the last time) tomorrow night

Gentlemen,

You're in a relationship with a woman. The division of labor in this relationship is generally equal, and falls roughly but not entirely on traditional lines (that is: you do the heavy lifting, she does the scrubbing, but then it's also true that you do most of the cooking and she does a lot of the minor home repairs). She asks you to do something that is easier for you than for her, but for various reasons you do not do it. She then either does it herself or finds someone else to do it. What is your reaction? Does your reaction change depending on whether it's a task she did herself or a task she asked someone else (another man, say) to do? Does your reaction change if the task is something that was doing something for her vs. doing something for the house you share? Does your reaction change if you are expected/not expected to kick in on the payment towards getting someone else to do it?

Examples may include the following (to inspire your thoughts, if the vagueness above doesn't do it):

fixing a broken electronic thing, such as the television (which you both watch) or her computer (which only she uses); fixing a leaking faucet; writing a thank you note for something that was given to both of you; cleaning out a "junk drawer" filled with mostly your stuff; cleaning before a guest arrives; simple carpentry (putting together IKEA furniture or building a simple bookshelf)...

Because here's the thing: he'll do it if I yell. He won't do it if he's only reminded nicely. I don't like this template. So usually I do it myself or hire someone, but then he gets angry because he said he would do it, why didn't I just remind him. My sister and another friend have the same problem. I'm thinking this is a guy thing. Anyone with any insight into this: Can you tell me how to handle it, please?

Yours in torment,

I'd really like to know why men feel the need to confess their desire for my friends to me. Men to whom I'm attracted. I know that I'm funny, smart, cute and affable. If I wasn't, they wouldn't ask me to have drinks and hang out with them. But this is getting ridiculous. FOUR dudes in the last month have told me that one of my friends is irresistable. I had to confess to one of the guys that I was sweet on him, to which he replied, "If you like me, then why did you tell me that **** likes me, too?" I said, "Because YOU like HER." It's nice to know that I'm trusted in that regard, but it's also a kick in the gut, because by default, it means, "You're cool, but I don't want to kiss you." The worst part is that every time this one sees me now, he hugs and kisses me like I'm a stuffed animal, and looks at me with these big puppy dog eyes like, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." Ugh!

Fellas, have you ever done this to a woman consciously? If so, why? Ladies, how do you handle this?

What does it mean if he can't keep it up?

We'll get going and it...just...deflates. Every time. He'll get it back but if we're having sex it just goes back down again unless there's oral sex or handjobs.

What's going on? I don't want to take this personally but it's getting rough.

(Are you guys still reading this?)

Say a girl were to break up with you. What's the least harrowing reason she could give?

-has fallen out of love with you
-has realized your future life plans do not and will not mesh
-thinks the bad times have been outnumbering the good times
-feels relationship works better as friends/roommates than lovers
-wants to see other people


I mean, I know the best thing is just to tell the truth. But there are so many truths, and some of them seem like they would needlessly induce hangups. Why damage him for the next lady if it's not necessary?

The old stereotype: Men are always thinking about whether they might get some sex.

The truth: Are they? For instance, is meeting some ex-coworkers at a bar and assuming they're not thinking about getting some sex out of me, is that naive? (Assume they would have considered it but not acted on it while we were working at the same place.) Does their relationship status make a difference to them? Mine? Age discrepancy?

1. things you can't stand to see a lady wearing

2. things you like to see a lady (to whom you are romantically inclined) wearing

this entry can go either way!

1. ladies: things you don't like to see a man wearing

2. ditto, etc.

Since my last serious relationship ended many years ago, I have become the girl guys want to fuck but not date. I'm not sure what changed since then, but in terms of dating I've tried waiting to sleep with guys, not waiting and sleeping with them right away. I've been elusive and I've been open and honest. I've done what I thought was the right thing and when that didn't work I did the opposite of that. Same results every time--we date a few months, they say "I don't want to be in a relationship" and then promptly get into a relationship...with another girl. I'm always up front about what I want and that I'm not looking to date casually--I want a boyfriend. What am I doing wrong?